Thoughts and Feelings: My Own Motherhood

So many of my posts so far have been half negative, half positive and most of them have been pointed towards other people. Today I would like to take a minute to reflect on myself, especially as a parent. As I was lying in bed last night, a thought came to me: am I really being the best mother I can be to my children? Honestly, I think the answer is no. Don’t get me wrong, I know that no parent is perfect and that all we can do is try to keep our children alive and prepare them for adulthood. But I can’t help but wonder if there is more I should be doing. 

My biggest issue with myself right now is the fact that I smoke cigarettes. I don’t smoke in my house at all. I try not to smoke in the car with my children but I will admit it does happen. Many people may not think that this is a big deal and shouldn’t really affect my ability to raise my children. I think it does. All that money gone to waste and all that time I can never get back is really starting to take a toll on me. I wonder, what could I be doing with my babies during that five minute smoke break? What could I have taken my children to do or what kind of special treat could I have gotten for them with the $70 a week that gets spent on cigarettes? A LOT. And that really bothers me. Sure, the solution is easy: quit smoking. But anyone who smokes know that the quitting solution is far from easy. At what point am I just going to say enough is enough? I suppose that is for me to answer but I believe I have finally hit that point. I cannot say that I am going to smoke my last cigarette today. But I can say that I am well on my way. I know that this one action opens the door for many more positive possibilities involving my children. And to me, that is worth it. I am ashamed that it has taken me this long to reach that conclusion. But hey, I am only human.

Another thing that bothers me is the way I speak to my children. Sometimes I get so upset and fed up that I find myself screaming and being sort of cruel. I regret it the instant anything like that comes out of my mouth. I know that everyone has those moments and it is really hard to stay calm when you are at the end of your rope. Throw in some whining, crying, back talking, and resistance to everything and that is a recipe that is destined to make anyone flip a lid. But can it be avoided? I think so. I need to teach myself to be level headed and cool in frustrating situations with my kids. They don’t deserve to hear that mess and honestly, it hurts them and molds their personalities more than I would like to admit. I cannot continue to be that person and risk my sweet, innocent children becoming the same type of parent. Once again, I am ashamed it has taken me this long to get the picture.

There are many other issues and internal struggles I have with myself as a mother but I only wanted to point out a couple that really get to me. Now I know many people will say, “Don’t be so hard on yourself. Every parent is different. Every parent makes mistakes.” But I WANT to be hard on myself. I want to become the parent I always envisioned myself being. I’m not bad-mouthing myself, I am challenging myself. I have a goal or two in mind when it comes to my children and my abilities and I won’t stop until I am satisfied with myself as a mother. Trust me, I work extremely hard everyday to financially support my family and I am home with them every single night and weekend. My bills are paid and there is food on the table. But I have come to find that none of these things matter to children. The love is what matters. Being there is what matters. Kind words and quality time is what matters. So all of that “taking care of business” stuff only goes but so far. I want my babies to look back on their childhood and see nothing but happiness and a kind and patient mother who was always there. Not a mother who was always outside taking a smoke break or a mother who was always stressed out, yelling, and cussing. It’s time to change. It’s time to be the mother I always knew I could be. Thank you for reading. 

Daily Prompt: Obvious | Just Because

Today’s daily prompt has given me an opportunity to continue what I now call my “grumpy old lady” posts. Hey, hey…I’m not insulting little old ladies. I’m just saying that I am a grouch when it comes to most things and it makes me feel like one of those neighbors yelling at kids to GET OFF MY LAWN!

Where was I?

Oh yes, the obvious. Tonight, I was putting some frozen pizzas (yes, I know they are totally nutritious) into the oven for my children and I just happened to look at the bottom corner of the box. I see “Cook Before Serving.” Really? I had nooooo idea I was actually supposed to COOK a FROZEN pizza before I give it to my kids. Sorry, sarcasm is my second language. But this got me to thinking (here we go again with that)…why are these warning labels and information labels responsible for stating the obvious? Shouldn’t human beings, some of the most complex organisms on the planet Earth, be smart enough to realize these things without it having to be printed on a box? I have seriously seen cans of tuna fish with labels that say “Contains: Tuna.” Uuuuhhhhhhh…..okay, thanks for that. Thank God I wasn’t looking for chicken, I could have really messed up! But then again…the whole Chicken of the Sea fiasco happened with Jessica Simpson so maybe my post is a moot point. Not to mention jars of peanut butter warning you that there are actually real peanuts in there! Even labels that warn against giving a child a plastic bag because it isn’t a toy really just blow my mind. Or “don’t use this electronic device that is plugged in while you are in the bathtub.” There’s a winner. I feel as if we should know these things already. Then again, maybe some people just need a gentle reminder so they can avoid a major catastrophe.

Of course, there is the FDA and all of those other fancy organizations to think about that force companies to put these on their products to avoid liability issues. That makes sense. It is all about laws and regulations, not making the human race look stupid. However, my personal opinion is that it is a waste of print space to put these idiotic, OBVIOUS lines on products. This may sound a little harsh, but perhaps you deserve to be electrocuted or suffocated if you don’t know the basic rules of how to keep yourself from dying. Strike that…it sounds too insensitive. Okay, WAY insensitive. Jeez, it’s a joke…let’s not have a cow.

Now I know that this rant is definitely not going to change the world and companies will continue to put these warnings and instructions on their packages, probably because they have to. Still…I had to say it. I just feel insulted that I have to be informed by a piece of cardboard to cook my pizza that has been chilling (pun intended) in my freezer for two weeks.

I will keep it short and sweet tonight. No 1,000+ words for you wrap your brain around. Let’s just not be stupid over obvious things, okay? Thank you. Please share with me if you have any experiences with ridiculous warning labels!

via Daily Prompt: Obvious

Thoughts and Feelings: Co-parenting

So my inspiration for this most recent blog post came from several memes I have seen on my Facebook newsfeed today. Well, not just today. I see them all the time. “The look on my face when my baby daddy is talking…” with a picture of a frustrated woman that looks like she is trying to pull her hair out. “My face when I have to listen to my baby daddy speak…” with a picture of Robert Downey Jr rolling his eyes. “Me waiting on child support from my baby daddy…” with a picture of a skeleton sitting in a chair. Okay…so first of all, I hate the terms baby daddy and baby mama. You are PARENTS. Together or separate, you are still PARENTS. Whether you hate each other or have love for each other, you are still PARENTS. There has to be some sort of mutual agreement that despite your feelings toward each other, you are still in this partnership together. Perhaps if you spent a little more time acting like adults and working together to raise your children, you wouldn’t have time to come up with all these stupid posts.

So why is all of this immature crap talking necessary? We all know that not everyone who makes the commitment to become man and wife and raise a family are not always able to stick to that (for any multitude of reasons). We also know that there are dead beat parents (men and women) everywhere in the world. This is not something new. You are either in your child’s life or you aren’t. Yes, I totally agree that if you make a child with someone, you should be held responsible for supporting that child in all aspects of life. Not just financially. I also agree that it is really shitty when the second half of the partnership doesn’t get the memo. But obviously, when the two parties are not together, someone’s got to help provide for that particular department. I know that some women and maybe even men rely heavily on financial support from the other half of their child’s DNA but is all of that nonsense really worth it? It just makes me wonder what goes through people’s heads when they decide to engage in a continuous battle that is never going to end in their favor. The fighting and slander is just over the top. Honestly, I would rather find a way to make it on my own for my child and myself before I went through that hell.

Is it possible to just put all of the histrionics aside and think about what is best for the child? That child should not know a thing about “daddy not sending the check” or “mommy and daddy don’t like each other.” All that child should know about is “I have my mommy sometimes” and “I have my daddy sometimes.” Or even “I only have mommy/daddy all the time.” Anything else that is a piece of that complicated situation should be left for the adults.

I apologize because I am coming off sort of “judgey”. The only reason that I feel comfortable enough to discuss this is because I know that peace between parents is possible. I live that life on a daily basis. Let me give you a little back story. When I was in high school, I met my oldest daughter’s (who is now 6) father and we dated. Most of our relationship wasn’t much of a relationship at all and it was pretty on and off. But I loved him and I would like to think he loved me too. Right before my high school graduation, I found out that I was pregnant with our daughter (this happened unintentionally, mind you). At first, I thought everything was going to be the picture perfect scenario. After some time had passed, I was informed by him that this was not going to be the case. I threw my little hissy fit, cried and cried, and then one day I woke up and just said eff it. If he didn’t want to be there, I didn’t need him to be there. So I went about my business, got through my pregnancy, and started my journey as a single (very young) mother with my new bundle of joy. We did the typical go to court mess and he was ordered to pay child support (which was a given). Once again, I went about my business. He paid everything the way he was supposed to when he was supposed to and still does to this day. I am thankful for that because I know many women go through way too much trouble just to get $5 from their…oh my gosh, am I about to say this?…baby daddy. Around the time my daughter was 10 months old, he asked to meet her and be apart of her life. I contemplated this for a while and at times, I even got super angry. I thought, “Why would I let him be in her life when he hasn’t wanted anything to do with her? What makes him think he even deserves to know my baby? Screw him. I have done this all by myself,” and I left it at that. Needless to say, after I got my initial shock and anger under control, I realized that I was being immature. What kind of person am I if I don’t allow a man to be in his child’s life? There are so many men out there who wouldn’t even blink at the chance to meet their children that it just seemed wrong to stop one who did want that. Of course, I approached the situation with caution and it took me a while to become comfortable with her leaving to spend time with him away from our own home. Five years have passed since then and we have both met other people. Get this, I even get along with and really like his wife! I think she is an awesome step-mother. I honestly couldn’t have asked for a better person to come into my daughter’s life given our situation. So, I have continued my family with my new person and I am sure my daughter’s father will be well on his way to continuing his own soon. In all of this time, our number one priority has always been our daughter. We get along and work together for her sake and I never have to blast him on Facebook just to get a check. I will admit that we do sometimes bump heads over things that usually end up being pretty stupid. We apologize to each other and move on peacefully. I would even go as far as to call us friends. And that is the way it should be.

Okay, okay…I am sure everyone is shouting at me right now that not every co-parenting duo is able to accomplish this level of serenity. I get that. I really do. However, I also understand that when children are involved, the point of focus shifts (or it should, anyway). Let’s stop yelling at each other, insulting each other, and hurting each other and our children. Let’s stop calling each other baby mama and baby daddy and start calling each other PARENTS. Let’s realize that we, as PARENTS, are in this together. Learn to put your child first and push all that negative adult stuff to the back burner. Do what you have to do to work together and make that child come out on top. If you two aren’t capable of doing such, then just leave each other alone. If he doesn’t want to pay money, make it work another way. In the end, all you are doing is hurting your baby and going through a bunch of stress that isn’t worth it. It is time to grow up and realize that the child is the main thing that matters when two people decide to make one in the first place. Personally, I have accomplished this with my baby daddy and I know it is possible for anyone else to as well.

Thoughts and Feelings: Teenagers

Recently, I have been the witness to some seriously disturbing behavior. Said behavior was perpetrated by a seriously ill-mannered fourteen year old that I am very close to. Don’t get me wrong, I care and love for this child as if she were my own but the result of this affection was this: I really just wanted to slap her silly as if I were her own mother every time she opened her mouth. No matter what was said or pointed out to her about her actions during these encounters, there was always an excuse. And I don’t mean genuine excuses. I mean one of those trails of defensive responses that only teenagers (and possibly criminals who are trying to convince the world that they aren’t guilty) have perfected. I recall one conversation specifically and oh my, is it a doozy. Basically, the teenager in question was told that she needed to be more grateful (UH OH!) because the only reason that she would have a television to watch that night was because her mother pulled some strings to keep their cable on. I was totally expecting a “thank you” or even an “appreciate it, Mom!” to follow this statement from the mother. Ha! Apparently, in the short time that has passed since I was a teenager, I completely forgot how they act. This particular teenager responds with, “I don’t care. I have YouTube I can watch through wi-fi so it wouldn’t matter if the TV was off anyway.” Seriously!? Did she seriously just say that!? What the…. This was the thought that ran through my head at this moment. This tit-for-tat went back and forth for a minute or so and of course, I put my two cents in afterwards. Welcome or unwelcome. I was just so dumbfounded that someone could have a smart-aleck retort for everything under the sun. Honestly, not to offend anyone’s parenting styles, but I would’ve taken anything and everything away from my child for an indefinite period of time had she said some crap to me like that. However, she is not mine so there is not much I can do but offer some friendly advice on how to be a little bit more in tune with her trangressions and how they affect those around her. Especially her mother.

This got me to thinking (and we all know that is a great thing for me to do) about the mannerisms of teenage girls these days. Almost every single teenage girl I see is a BRAT. Before anyone jumps down my throat, please reread my previous sentence and realize that I said ALMOST. Whether it is someone I know personally or a stranger, every time I observe a teenage girl it makes me want to pull my hair out. They speak in acronyms and hashtags, their noses are so far into their phones I’m surprised more of them don’t accidentally walk/drive off of cliffs, and they dress in clothes that would make a hooker blush. Not to mention the blatant disrespect that all of them carry towards parents, teachers, or any sort of authority. And parents just let them get away with it! Honestly, I am not judging parents or their ability to control their young adults, but come on! This is the generation that is going to be running the workforce in the near future. When did parents stop putting their foot down on these kids and show them who is boss? When did children start running the household? If I screwed up or disrespected my parents, I was done for. I lost something that I loved dearly despite my howls and protests. Oh man, if you could have been a fly on the wall the day I decided to tell my mom, “F— you!”. Let’s just say, I was relocated to my dad’s house THAT DAY. Now parents just walk away for fear of some detrimental adolescent backlash or they don’t want to hurt their child’s precious, fragile emotions. Oh no, my child might hate me if I act like a parent! Either that or they just give them back whatever “essential” was taken from them within a matter of minutes. What a bunch of crap.

Sure, sure…teenage girls like that have existed for a long time. Even I was a freakin’ nightmare during this time of my life. I back-talked, I slammed doors, I drank underage, I did drugs, I snuck out, and even when my mom knew where I was going, sometimes I wouldn’t come home for days. I was even the one and only of all of my siblings who went through the depression, suicidal, “gothic” phase. But very rarely did I just outright disrespect my parents or authority (lets pretend like you didn’t just read about the “F— you!” fiasco). Am I the only one who has noticed that it has progressively gotten worse, even since we were in high school (for me, that was from 2005-2009)? Yes, I know that ALL teenagers grow up at some point and some even reflect back on their years just to realize that they were complete and total JERKS. It really happens! Some teenagers actually repent for their shittiness once they see past the veil that the small world of high school drapes over their eyes. Trust me, I call my mom often to apologize to her for something that I did as a teenager and I am just now realizing my wrong-doing. Some say that this behavior from this age group is totally normal. I really don’t think so. There is nothing normal about the interactions that I observe between parents and teens nowadays. This type of behavior is allowed. And apparently never corrected. God forbid you actually put in the effort to turn your kids into functioning, respectful citizens of America.

I have two girls right now who are, fortunately, still pre-pubescent. I feel like I have to magically turn in to a mad scientist so I can formulate some type of concoction to make them stay just the way they are. I am actually TERRIFIED of them becoming teenagers because of the things I see. My goal is  to do everything in my power to make sure that my girls don’t turn out this way. I personally don’t think I can handle it if they do.

Perhaps it is just nature that these girls should be little snots for those 4 to 6 years. Maybe I am just crazy and I have forgotten everything it meant to be an adolescent. Everything was the end of the world and parents were your worst enemies. That seems to be the gist of it. I can seriously only remember some occasions where I could fall under this same category I have been ranting about for the past 1,000 words. But was I like that and just didn’t know it? Did I just block that time out because I knew I was a horrible excuse for a daughter at most times? I suppose only my parents can answer that one.

I will end this by saying I have no intention of insulting or generalizing any group of people with this post. I just have higher hopes for our teenagers and the even younger children who will shortly be in that same boat. I also wish parents would stop being walking door mats for the people that THEY gave the miracle of life to. Put those kids in their places and don’t be afraid to do so! They will survive, no matter how much they “hate” you at the time. Do this and maybe one day, you will be at the receiving end of the same apologetic phone calls like the ones that I still make to my own mother. To quote the teeny boppers of this generation, #sorrynotsorry.

 

Daily Prompt: Ghost | Just Because

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I had a paranormal experience when I was a little girl in our house in Orchard Hill in 1995 or 1996. This house was built in the 70’s, which isn’t super old but still…enough years had passed that a haunting was quite possible. I was about 5, maybe a little younger but I remember it as if it happened yesterday. At the time,  I was in the bedroom right over our garage and the flood light would fill my room with an orange hue. I woke up, looked beside my bed, and noticed that my mom was sitting beside me. She had her back against the wall, knees drawn up to her chest, and her arms and head resting on her knees. Since I was just a naive child, I called out, “mom?” As soon as these words escaped my lips, I started to realize that this thing was not my mom. When it began to lift its head, I ducked back under my covers and just started shaking. I couldn’t even cry out to my real mom because I was so scared. Finally, I was brave enough to come out from under my blanket and it had disappeared (as most specters do when you look away and look back). I went back to sleep and decided to let it go. I never had any other experiences in that house that I can recall. Needless to say, that night has been burned into the back of my mind. I do not remember much from that time in my childhood, but I will never forget that.

I find it extremely fitting that the first daily prompt I am participating in is on the topic of ghosts. Ask anyone who knows me, the paranormal aspect of the world intrigues me. I love ghost stories. Call me crazy, but I love to watch all of those crazy shows on TV. Okay, I am totally aware that not everything on TV is real. Ghost Adventures and The Dead Files are my guilty pleasures so don’t judge me! How cool would it be to go ghost hunting? Well, unless something follows you home. At that point, I’m pretty sure the fun and games would be over. It is just crazy to think that there could be the energy of someone who has passed floating around out there and no one can see them with the naked eye. Okay, okay…it is super creepy but you have to admit, it is kind of cool at the same time. Unless you are afraid of the dark, like me.

Wow…apparently I am a walking contradiction. Why is that something that scares the living daylights out of me also sucks me in? Is it just the mystery of the unknown or is there some sort of spiritual conspiracy? Is it possible to have a love/hate relationship with ghosts? Sorry, I’m rambling.

I would like to conclude this paranormal passage by mentioning that I have recently began reading a book written by Corey Taylor (for anyone who doesn’t know who Corey Taylor is, he is the lead singer of a band named Slipknot) named “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Heaven.” I haven’t gotten very far into the book but it is basically a compilation of Corey Taylor’s personal experiences with the paranormal and his views on the spiritual realm, Heaven, and God/religion. I believe he has an amazing ability to tell stories and his writing is really entertaining and funny. I am always up for a good book recommendation so I figured I would share. So far it is a great read, check it out if that is your thing.
via Daily Prompt: Ghost

The Beginning

So yesterday I decided that I was going to start blogging. I’m not sure what prompted this desire but you know what? What have I got to lose? Surely everyone needs some sort of creative outlet. Once I had this brilliant idea, I began to wonder what could I possibly have to write about? Probably a whole lot of nothing but I can honestly say I have a lot of random thoughts and experiences that make me wonder about humanity and the world we live in and just life in general. Perhaps someone may be interested in reading what I have to say. Perhaps not. However, if I can just make one person laugh or think or wonder about my point of view…maybe I am accomplishing something.

So this is the beginning. Of what, I’m not 100% sure. But hey, to each his own and if I feel like blasting my inner thoughts to the world then why can’t I?